in Satire | 01 APR 12
Featured in
Issue 146

From the Mailbox

At frieze we receive hundreds of emails every day from artists, galleries and public relations companies around the world. We would like to share some excerpts with you. Names have been blocked out to protect the guilty. But they know who they are.

in Satire | 01 APR 12

• Dear frieze,
This year I will be selling/showing a painting that predicts the observed accelerating expansion of the cosmos. It’s arguably the most important art work of all time. I can let you know when and where you can see it if you’re interested.

• Greetings Editors!
I thought this would interest you. The image appeared to me out of a fold in energy patterns making up an African landscape, creating the perception of something being created from nothingness, as if my imagination willed it into existence. I originally named the painting Creation from Nothingness but later changed it to Elephant Charge.

• Hello,
I would like to introduce you to a fresh concept and a man making waves in the creative industries ‘by any means necessary’. The man behind it all is a wonderful enigma with a less than conventional background which means that there are no lengths that he wouldn’t go to to make magic happen. Let me know if you’d like more information!

• Dear Artforum,
I’m a photographer living in the USA. I have a special series I just finished that deals with the submersion of the conscious mind in the cloudy waters of the subconscious, through the means of a nude woman floating and sinking into the depth of a abandoned flooded rock quarry. Would love to hear about your thoughts about my project!

• Hello!
XXXX is Canada’s sexiest abstract painter. Her paintings are uplifting, distinctive and dynamic. This body of work, characterized by bold palettes and sleek compositions, remains remarkably contemporary. Last April her auction record was set again at $187,000. As interest and appreciation in her work con­tinues to surge, this is the moment to start collecting. Let’s make your place fantastic!

• Greetings!
XXXX has always had an uncanny knack for having her finger on the pulse. In her upcoming exhibition, she delivers unabashed commentary on the state of the world around us: global warming, nuclear power, asylum seekers, and unrest in the Middle East.

With broken umbrellas strewn around the gallery space like a plague, we are forced to acknowledge how climate change, and our role in it, is an epidemic threatening future generations. Moving from a blinged Gaddafi to an infamous blinged doggie, a pretty pink puppy covered in Swarovski crystals will also feature and in a crude contrast will be the ‘cutest’ piece in the exhibition.

• Hi!
‘What do you do?’ you’ve been asked many times. ‘I am an artist’ is most likely the response that instantly comes to your lips. You have probably been giving this answer from a very early age. No matter what else you’ve done in your life, being an artist is the core of your identity. For a few minutes today, I want to encourage you to make a silent addition to your response. You will still answer, ‘I am an artist,’ but in your mind you will add ‘and, I am a salesperson!’

• Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
I forward you an exclusive essay on NEO-POSTMODERNISM, which I would like you to publish online. It is an avant-garde essay with art history references. Thank you in advance!

• Dear Sirs,
We are like to inform you that we are specialist of Masonic Regalia Aprons, Shashes, Banners, Metal Badges, Cuff Titles, Scottish Right Regalia, Knight Templer Regalia, Hand Embroidered badges, emblems, insignias, banners, pennants, flags, peak cap, shoulders boards, crests, Family crests, clan crests, wings, Uniform accessories, Patches, Aiguillette, Machine badges, etc. If you have any kind of Design sends it to us. We will make it according to your desire!

• Dear All,

This newsletter is about a show called ‘Oysters and Goats’. Some might feel the need to ask ‘why’? Why paint oysters, goats, flowers, boxers’ names or pink monkeys? Who really wants to know why? Who wants to read that ‘I manipulate the representation of oysters as gendered markers in all of their hallucinatory reality’ or that ‘I explore the concept of oysters and feminist performativity’? Do you? 


• Good day to you!
Last week we opened a solo exhibition from  XXXX, the female French graffiti artist with an obsession for moustachioed characters! Not only did she hang a collection of beautiful, intricate ink paintings and a collection of prints, but she also painted a mural. Will you consider it for a feature?

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